Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
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Semen is not good for contacts.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize