I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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