totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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