Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize