my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
