She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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