i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
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There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.