He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL