hotel room ftw
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon