1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
