you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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