im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
