Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
