one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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