My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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