hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm always down for nudity.
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