pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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