Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
