I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
