i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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