drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
