"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
