If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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