i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
