highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
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We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
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We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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