I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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