Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
