Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
