In the future we'll all be gay
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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