my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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