As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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