My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
