The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
