He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left the knife in your bed.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Randomize