dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
