The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
