guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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