I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
