I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
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