dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
