Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
