I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
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Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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