Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
