I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We left the knife in your bed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
