You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You know, be my cock's hype man.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
