I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
