At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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