You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
