im drinking this country out of the recession.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
