he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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