is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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