Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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