my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
