I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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