capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
