You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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