No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
